There is much we can learn from children. Learned fears and judgements gradually diminish our moral courage and our capacity to love.

We learn to place everything inside predetermined mental and social containers. We fear breaking these frameworks. We fear being hurt. We fear being inappropriate. We fear shame.

Out of fear of being judged, we continually place ourselves in the position of judging. Gradually we lose our sensitivity to other people’s suffering and to injustice. We turn away from our deepest natural feeling: the desire to love.

In this seventeen-second video we see an elderly homeless man whose severe hand tremor makes it difficult for him to hold a bottle of water and drink, and a little girl who kindly holds the bottle for him so that he can drink.

The girl’s father approaches her. He understands the child’s kindness and does not want to stop it abruptly, but he is not at ease. We can sense his contradictory feelings in his movements.

In the end his behaviour signals to the little girl that she should finish quickly. He embraces her and gives the elderly man a brief, polite wave so that he does not hurt the man’s feelings, then moves away. Even so, one can see that all his doubts, fears and judgements will be felt by the child.

What might an alternative response have been?
Have you ever been in a similar situation—one in which you had consciously to try not to pass your fears and judgements on to your child? Fear of animals, fear of heights, fear of failure, fear of loving without restraint…

To behave differently, he would have had to break many mental boundaries. Breaking these boundaries in the moment is difficult. But we can think in advance and decide that, if we find ourselves in a similar situation, by choosing love and standing above judgement and fear we will reassure our children that their choice of love is the right choice.

Aydin Areta